How Do You Respond To Resentment? by Brian Klemmer

The 3 Rs — resentment, resistance and revenge — represent one of the most self-destructive paradigms I have seen, yet it is also unbelievably prevalent. For now, let's focus on the first of the 3Rs: resentment.

As I discuss in chapter 3 of If How-To's Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy, resentment is any negative emotional reaction to what we think was said or done. There are many situations that can spark resentment in us. We might be resentful when people we love get sick or die. Sometimes we become resentful when our hard work doesn't pay off. Resentment can creep into our lives when we don't get the recognition we deserve or when acts of nature, such as floods and fires, affect our lives.

Many of us wear a set of sunglasses — or have the viewpoint — that resentment is bad or inherently wrong. If that is true for you, then you might further complicate the problem by thinking that if resentment is bad and you are resentful, then you must also be bad. The problem with this viewpoint is that there is no way any of us can exist in the physical world we live in without this emotional reaction. There is a danger if you become resentful about being resentful. Then you might, in fact, resist going into resentment or resist anything that might lead to it. This puts you in a never-ending cycle that you can't get out of.

Of course there are prices to pay for resentment, but there are prices all of us pay for everything we do. So, be okay with resentment. It will happen no matter how great your relationships with others are, or how great the company you work for is. What is NOT OKAY is to stay in resentment. The key is not allowing resentment to progress into resistance, because then the prices you pay increase. As an example of this progression, let's look at an employee who doesn't feel appreciated and has resentment. If he doesn't deal with his feelings, then he can go into resistance. This can lead to reduced communication, apathy or indifference. And then his attitude can turn into revenge when he badmouths the employer or thinks, I will do my job, but that is all you will get out of me.

How do you know if you are in resistance? If you stay upset about an experience, then you are in resistance. Another sign is numbness or apathy. If you are to be good at anything — your business, relationships, sports, etc. — then you must be okay with resentment, and you must have systems to handle it when it does occur. This puts you in charge of your feelings, instead of allowing your feelings to be in charge of you.